Help, I’m lost in my kale patch and I can’t get out!

I don’t like kale.

There, I said it. I know I’m supposed to, I know how GOOD it is for me, IknowIknowIknow. However, eating it raw reminds me of chewing on a mattress cover and is about as tasty. Put it in a stir-fry or a soup, and it refuses to break down, not unlike bits of plastic floating in the ocean.

And yet, I grow a buttload of it in my garden each and every year. It grows like it’s on Viagra, lasts until long after all the trees have ejaculated their leaves off,  and nothing can kill this shit, I swear.  What I have, essentially, is a dense forest of nutrition with questionable ingestion potential. What’s a gal to do?


I’ll tell ya what I do…I take advantage of the fact that I have nothing better to do than sit on my sofa playing Candy Crush on a Saturday, and use this blessed downtime to dehydrate it in my oven. I can reduce an entire salad’s worth of kale into a tablespoon of inoffensive powder!

You too can make your own green powder. They sell that stuff all over the place for, like, a bazillion dollars per jug, but you can have the last laugh and make your own. I’ve been doing this for a few years now, and I can assure you that the final product stays good for a really long time, and it’s super easy to disguise in a smoothie. Just set your oven to 175 degrees Celsius with the door propped open, and take it out and manhandle it now and then. Run the dried and crumbled kale through a coffee grinder (about ten bucks if you don’t have one yet for some unknown reason.) Takes about three hours.

powdered kale

(Now, your entire house may temporarily smell like a dead body decomposing in a swamp, but that’s a small price to pay for a substance SO NUTRITIOUS it may give you super powers. )

Green smoothies also freak people out. I rather enjoy that part….

Peace and powders,


One thought on “Help, I’m lost in my kale patch and I can’t get out!

Add yours

  1. Kale! Yay! I love kale chips!!! And you will feel RICH when you realise that a tiny bag of 50 grams costs about 5 dollars. 🙂 Also, we have this traditional kale dish in the Netherlands: thoroughly cooked kale (30-35 minutes till really cooked) with mashed potatoes, speck, sausages, vinnegar and a mustard sauce. It is called ‘boerenkool stamppot’. 🙂 Must be recipes around somewhere.
    xx, Feeling


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